I was not sure how to start writing about this kind of stuff, I do not even know where to begin, but here is my story, or at least part of it:
I am 27 years old, about to turn 28 in a couple months. And for the last few years (about five), I have been going through life crisis after life crisis. And I know what some of you might think "You are so young", "You are just figuring things out", "You will be okay", and this and that. And you know what? You might be right, but those statements are not helpful at all right now. The reason why I have decided to share my story it's because I can no longer bear with it by myself. I believe there is power in your voice and in sharing your experiences with other people, even if those people are total strangers. I am sure I am not the only one going through a life crisis.
I am going to skip forward and move to the end of my story, well, not really the end, but more like where I am at the moment... and let's see how it goes.
I got married six months ago, to be precise; and those six months, although they have been filled with love and memories, have also been quite the ride full of challenges and lessons. It has not been easy at all let me tell you. And I am not here to blame anyone or play de "poor me" role. Things just happened. Life just happened. And I know that because I am more into the acceptance phase than the mere denial phase. My problem, perhaps, is that I find hard letting go of the past, and according to my partner "I don't change", which to be fair, it's true. I have been on my own for so long that I don't know how to be with others anymore. I have no family in this country, and I haven't been able to connect with other people. Did I mention that I am an immigrant? Four and a half years ago, I left everything behind to move to the United States and experience life in this country. I have had my fun, but it has also been a lonely kind of adventure. It seems like I don't even know how to be with myself either, and that's rough. But anyway, back to the present... things are going down in my marriage. I don't feel connected to my husband anymore, and even when I know that I love him and he loves me, I am aware that love isn't everything in a relationship. And the thing is, I also happen to have trusting issues. I don't know how to trust others, how to give that leap of faith without feeling afraid of disappointment and betrayal. (Parenthesis to say that sooner or later, all those traumas we thought were in the past will catch up. At least, that is the way I feel).
Most of my life I've felt entitled to express my emotions, but the problem is that I was expressing them in the wrong way... you know, the so typical silent treatment, the distance, the building walls around me, that kind of stuff. And it is not only with my spouse, or relationships from the past, it happens with friends, colleagues, family, it happens with everyone. I am a master at isolating myself. And that is a very dangerous move, and probably the most unhealthy way I have engaged with. Among others, I can tell you about my controlling issues, my anxiety disorders, my high levels of stress, my minor depression, and so on. All of them connected. All of them very present.
It wasn't till a few days ago that I finally accepted that I have mental issues, the ones aforementioned. But one thing I am proud of is that even when these circumstances are rough, I have not needed smoking, and interesting enough, just crossed my mind now that I am writing about my self-sabotage behaviors. Stop smoking was probably the only explicit request my husband asked from me weeks ago while we were having a discussion. I requested him to stop engaging with sexual content on the internet that was leading to masturbation. (Parenthesis to say that here lies another issue in our marriage. The things that you realize when you get married). But don't get me wrong, I think getting married has its own benefits, but sometimes you might not like what you find out once you are in it. Where was I before the whole porn thing? Oh, yes, the request to stop smoking. Anyway, it looks like I've been told about other things I've been doing wrong, but I didn't quite pay attention to that. Let's say that my self-righteousness is a bitch when it comes to accepting that I've said or I've done wrong. And I am not proud of it, but you know, I am working towards improvement here. And I think that is why I decided to share my story with you, whoever you are. Mainly, because I am tired of feeling alone and dealing with the pain on my own. Now, I realize why support groups are so important to overcome traumas, loss, and situations like this one, where you feel unhappy and incomplete, or I should say, I feel unhappy and incomplete. I am learning to own my feelings and my thoughts. I am trying to find my voice. This is where I am at right now... in the trying process. That's another thing you should know about me. I tend to idealize situations, you know, fantasizing instead of living the real life. I fall easily in love with the results, but I hate the process, meaning that I hate whatever it takes to achieve that result. Whenever a difficult situation has presented or I dislike the person, I walk away. I've lived for quite a few years by that rule, a rule that was shared by one of my favorite professors in college. But I think they forgot to mention that sometimes the right thing one can do is addressing the problem and working through it. Or at least be honest with the person you (I) dislike. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. I have fooled so many people for so long, but I've never been able to fool myself, and I appreciate that about me.
And back to my marriage, I don't know where all this is going to end, we might have years to come together, or we might end accepting that this is not really working for us. I will be honest with you, I am scared as hell, mainly because I can't believe it is happening to me. Among all the people in the world, it is happening to me. But I refuse to ask the Universe "Why??? Why me???" I'd like to believe that life thinks too much of me, kind of "Come on, girl! You can handle this shitty situation! There you go! BOOM!" I was not prepared for this kind of challenge. I am still processing all this. My husband and I even considered divorce, and that is kind of the realistic thing to happen, and of course the "Happy ever after bullshit" that people tend to sell.
You know, writing actually helps. I keep a journal for myself, and I never share any of my writings with anyone, my journals are not only personal but are my way to know myself a little better, they are my reference point. However, by posting on the blog, gives me the hope that out there someone is reading and that I am not alone in this. Anyway, now that you know where I am at right now in this life crisis, I can go backward with the story, and if you have any questions, shoot right away... because the more you share your story, the smoother the healing process becomes.
Ps. Trust the process.
T.
