First of all, the transcription is at the end of the Spanish entry but was necessary to write it in my native language as a symbol of full expression.
Bien, respira profundo, ¡aquí vamos!
¿Son todos los jalapeños poppers iguales? Son todos rellenos de queso y servidos con aderezo ranch? ¡Qué recomendación más de a mierda como para ser de las "favoritas de alguien"! Yo soy una persona que ama el queso, no sólo le gusta, no sólo le fascina... AMA el queso. Podría casarme con el queso si estuviese permitido. Ni siquiera mis garlic fries ayudaron a que termine a los señores poppers. ¡Y sí, el ajo, el jodido ajo también me gusta!
Esta experiencia sólo hizo que extrañe la comida de mi país y sólo Dios sabe cuándo volveré a degustar tales delicias.
Pero el punto importante aquí es otro; es que necesitaba de una excusa para hacerle llegar estas líneas a alguien. Quizás, ahora que he blasfemado en contra de los jalapeños esos tenga su atención. O quizás simplemente ha decidido ignorarme una vez más. Está en su derecho de hacerlo después de todo. Quiero decirle que he le dedicado muchas de mis líneas últimamente, y hasta me he planteado incluirlo sutilmente en mi libro.
Antes de conocerlo, yo había escrito: "Las miradas dicen más que las palabras y a veces los silencios pueden ser ensordecedores." Me guardo su mirada para el alma y su silencio para el olvido.
Lo vi sólo una vez, y una vez no fue suficiente. Por supuesto que quise volverlo a ver nuevamente, y pedirle que me cuente su verdadera historia. Él me interesaba, él tenía algo que me quitaba el sueño. Claro que él jamás volvió a aparecer, jamás respondió mi mensaje, ni tampoco a mi pedido de volverlo a ver una vez más. Y fue entonces cuando acepté que un desconocido se quedó con una parte de mí, y era menester hacerle saber que eso me lastimó. Me lastimó, quizás por mi nivel de "sensibilidad" ante la misma vida. Llegué a sentirme tonta creyendo que alguno de los tantos días que fui a Caffe Acri, él iba a entrar por esa puerta y ordenar un café y esos jodidos croissants de los que ahora estoy enamorada. Tampoco entró nunca por esa puerta, ni tampoco me lo crucé en el banco aquel donde me dijo que solía meditar. He ido unas cuantas veces a sentarme allí con un café o con un cigarrillo, o con ambos... Y un día, un día dejé de insistir y empecé a frecuentar el lugar, no por él, sino porque simplemente disfrutaba de mirar al vacío, al horizonte... y hablarle a Dios.
¿Quizás él se pregunta por qué me sentía tonta? Bueno, porque desde que había llegado a los Estados Unidos muchos meses atrás yo no había besado a nadie, ni le había permitido a nadie que me bese, ni tampoco había abrazado a alguien con tanto afecto, y mucho menos había permitido que alguien me tome de la mano, se aferre a mi cintura o me bese con tal dulzura y pasión. Y de repente te dejas llevar por el momento fugaz, le das cabida a un poco de desorden a tu vida, crees que hay química, que hay conexión, y hasta sientes que era él a quien buscabas, sientes que esos ojos ya los conocías de antes. Sientes un Aleph. Y sin embargo, todo eso se esfuma porque no llegué en un momento adecuado y él no estaba listo para una relación a la distancia o de corto plazo. Yo ni si quiera había pedido una relación. La gente ya no se juega el todo por el todo, la gente le teme a los sentimientos y a salir lastimados. La gente prefiere huir de lo que siente.
Alguien una vez citó: "Prefiero un minuto a tu lado, que una vida sin ti", pero la gente sigue teniendo miedo, y quizás era ése su caso. Quizás alguna vez pusieron su mundo de cabeza y lo desestabilizaron, y desde entonces sólo busca relaciones estables. O quizás aún nadie ha puesto su mundo de cabeza, ni le han causado un poco de desorden a su vida; y en ese caso, igual sigue buscando estabilidad. Ketut le decía a Liz en Eat, Pray, Love: "A veces perder el control de tu vida por amor es parte de una vida equilibrada". Pero él ya no es un veinteañero como yo, él es un hombre que sabe lo que quiere y que sus prioridades están por encima de todo, él ya se toma la vida más en serio. Quizás sólo tiene ganas de amar y de sentirse equilibrado, necesita de alguien que le de esa calma que a veces el alma y la mente requieren, o quizás sólo disfruta de su soledad. Así que desde un principio era obvio que no le iba a dar cabida a una loca suelta como yo, una loca que apenas y estaba despegando sus alas. Quizás él no cree en eso de "arriesgarse por curiosidad, arriesgarse para no preguntarse luego <qué hubiese pasado si...?>". Como buen matemático, lo analiza todo siempre, todo tiene una fórmula, todo tiene una lógica. No por eso deja de ser la cosa más jodidamente tierna con ojos color cielo que jamás he visto en California.
Le desnudé un pedacito de mi alma contándole quién era yo. Me mostré sin pretender ser alguien más porque jamás fue mi intención impresionarlo. No recuerdo cómo lucía él, sólo recuerdo sus ojos, sus labios, sus pequitas, sus lunares y su chaqueta de cuero café. Y hubiese querido decirle que su barba me encantaba y que su cabello alborotado me fascinaban aún más.
No, yo no lo conocía, pero me hubiese encantado conocerlo. Lástima que no fue el caso. Pero bastaron un par de horas para saber que su amor por los animales y su preocupación por el medio ambiente lo hacen un ser humano noble ante mis ojos. Que su manera de bailar y mover la colita me enternecen como cada uno de sus gestos. Hubiese querido decirle que disfruté de compartir su croissant y de verlo comer. Que me moría de ganas por limpiar las migajas de croissant alrededor de sus labios. Hubiese querido conocer a su amigo del que me habló, quien practicaba diariamente durante horas el mismo paso de baile frente al espejo y ahora era un experto. Quiero decirle que me hizo volver a sentir algo que se había apagado dentro de mí, y que aún sin conocernos me erizó la piel. Quiero decirle que aunque no le interese, se quedó con un pedacito de mí y que eso lo vuelve alguien especial. Quiero decirte que me quedé con ganas de bailar con él, de salir a correr y también a nadar. Quiero decirte que si quería volverlo a ver era simplemente para darle las gracias porque me recordó que aún cuando uno lo entrega todo en una relación fallida... siempre hay un después. Gracias querido tú.
Espero que esas decisiones importantes y esos cambios radicales que se avecinaban en tu vida hayan finalmente aquietado un poco tu mundo. Espero que seas feliz haciendo lo que haces, y espero que algún día tengas tantos perritos como anhelas porque serás un padre espectacular. Espero que encuentres eso que tanto buscas y que tu vida sea tan equilibrada como quieres que sea. Espero que tu vida esté llena de luz en medio de la oscuridad. Espero que las buenas vibras no te falten. Espero le prediques con el ejemplo a tu ahijada. Espero coincidir contigo alguna de las tantas horas que me quedan en este sitio; y finalmente, gracias Sr. PJM.
Y así es como quito de mi jodida bucket list a los jodidos jalapeños poppers que me causaron dolor de estómago.
Pd. Prefiero creer que simplemente no le interesé a creer que es un hombre que vive con miedo a vivir intensamente.
Note to self: Is it better not to have expectations?
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| 1. Crossing my fingers for great weather one day before I met you. What a wonderful day! |
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| 2. When I got a bite of your croissant, I just loved that thing with ham and cheese, but I was kind of shy to ask you to go back to the caffé and get another croissant. But since then, I go for one of those croissants at least once a week. |
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| 3.Sometimes I just run into Caffe Acri to write. It's become one of my favorite places. |
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| 4. WTF! I do not know if all the jalapeños poppers are the same, but in Marin Brewing Company they don't look special at all. |
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| 5. Yes, I love the cheesy filling. But still... nothing special. |
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6. However, the dessert was delightful!
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| 7. If you like cheese, the good stuff is in Sol Food with these orgasmic "Tostones con Queso" Just add some chilly, and you are gonna love them! Trust me. |
TRANSLATION:
Well, take a deep breath, here we go!
Are all the
jalapeños poppers the same thing? Are all of them stuffed with cheese and served with ranch dressing? What a shitty recommendation to be
"someone's favorite". I am a cheese person... I am a cheese lover! I would marry with cheese if I could. Even my garlic fries did not help me to pass those
jalapeños. And yes, I love garlic as well!
This experience just reminded me of how much I miss Ecuadorian food, and only God knows when I will taste that deliciousness again.
But the important point here is a different one, I just needed an excuse to write all these lines to someone else. Maybe, now that I've blasphemed against those jalapeños, I got his attention. Or maybe, he's simply decided to ignore me... once again. He has the right to do so after all. I just wanted to tell him that I've dedicated some of my time to write about him lately.
Before I met him, I had written "The eyes speak louder than words, and sometimes silence can be deafening" I kept so deep, inside my soul, his beautiful and bright eyes, and his silence in any forgetful place out there.
I saw him only once, and once was not enough. Of course, I wanted to see him again and ask him about his true story. I was interested in him, there was something that even took away my sleep at night. Of course, he did not want to. He never answered my message requesting to see him again one more time (Geez! I sound like a psycho!) And then, I accepted that a stranger stole away a part of me, and it is imperative to let him know that this really hurt.
He hurt me (unconsciously, perhaps) because of how sensitive I can be about these things. I also felt like a fool believing that one of the many days that I went to Caffe Acri, he was going to walk through that door and order a coffee and one of those croissants that now I am in love with, but that never happened. And I never saw him again on that bench where he said he sometimes meditates staring at the water. I went a few times to that bench as well holding a cup of coffee or smoking a cigarette, or both... And one day, I stopped insisting, and I started to frequent the place, not because of him but because I really enjoy looking up at the horizon.. and talk to God, Universe, Life. Doesn't matter, just me and myself.
Perhaps he wonders why I felt like a fool? Well, because since I came to the U.S., months and months ago, I had not kissed anyone, and I did not allow anyone to kiss me either. No one had embraced me with so much affection, and I did not even allow anyone to hold my hand, my waist, and kiss me with such tenderness and passion. And suddenly, I only wanted to flow with the present moment, I thought that was a good idea... to allow a little bit of mess in my life. I thought there was chemistry and a kind of special connection between us. I even thought that he was what I was looking for. I felt like I'd seen his eyes before (maybe in a past life). I was feeling an Aleph. However, all that shit fades away because it was not an appropriate time in his life, and because he was not ready for a long-distance or short-term relationship. He just didn't want to take a chance on me, and that is called rejection. I did not even ask for a relationship. Some people out there do not like to take risks, people out there are afraid of their own feelings, they are afraid of getting hurt. People prefer to run away.
Someone said "I prefer one minute with you instead of a life without you", but people are still afraid anyway. I think that was his case. Maybe, someone put his world upside down and destabilized his life, and since then he only looks for stable relationships. Or maybe, no one has put his world upside down, nor has caused disorder in his life; and in both cases, he continues looking for balance and stability.
Ketut said to Liz in Eat, Pray, Love "To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.” But this guy is not like me, he is a man who already knows what he wants, and his priorities are above everything else. He takes his life seriously. Maybe he only wants to love and be loved. Maybe he needs someone who brings calm and peace to his mind and soul, or maybe he just enjoys loneliness. So I just didn't fit in his life.
Maybe he does not believe in clichés like "Take the risk just for curiosity, no matter what, so you won't regret or say What if..."
As a good mathematician, probably he analyzes everything because everything has a formula, and everything has a logic. And Jesus, he is still the cutest thing that I've ever seen in California!
Anyway, I revealed a bit of myself telling him who I was. I showed myself without pretending to be someone else because it was never my intention to impress him. I do not remember how he looked, I just remember his bright eyes, his lips, his freckles, and his brown leather jacket. And I consider it necessary to say that I loved his beard and his messy hair.
No, I did not know him, but I would have loved to know him a little better. Too bad that was not the case. Although, a couple hours were enough to see that his love for animals and his concern for the environment made me think he is a kind human being, and of course he does not lie saying he is humble because he definitely is. Maybe I'm wrong. He had some pungent sense of humor that I never understood.
The way he dances, and the way he moves <la colita> (cute butt) made me melt as did every single one of his gestures.
I wanted to say that I enjoyed sharing his croissant. I confess that I was dying to clean up all the croissant crumbs around his mouth. I wanted to meet his friend who practiced daily, for hours, the same dance step in front of the mirror to be an expert. I wanted to tell him that he made me feel something I thought has been long gone inside me. And even if we did not meet before, I do recall the goosebumps that ran up and down my body because of him. I wanted to say that even if he was not interested in me, he keeps a little bit of my soul, and that makes him someone special for me. I wanted to dance with him, go for a run, and go swimming as well. And if I wanted to see him again was just to say THANK YOU because he reminded me that even when everything fell apart in the past, there is always something better waiting ahead. Thank you, dear.
I hope those important decisions and those radical changes that were coming your way have finally settled. I hope you're happy doing what you do, and I hope that someday you have as many dogs as you want. I hope you find what you are looking for, and I hope your life is as balanced as you want it. I hope your life is full of light amid the darkness. I hope you preach with the example to your goddaughter. I hope to meet you randomly one day. Finally, wherever I am... Thank you, Mr. PJM.
--And that's how I decided I will never ever again have jalapeños poppers that caused me a stomachache. Ha!--
P.S. I prefer to believe that he was not interested in me instead to believe he is a man who lives afraid of living intensely.
Note to self: Is it better not to have expectations?
|
| 1. Crossing my fingers for a great weather one day before I meet you. What a wonderful day! |
|
| 2. When I got a bite of your croissant, I just loved that thing with ham and cheese, but I was kind of shy to ask you to go back to the caffe and get another croissant. But since then, I go for one of those croissants at least once a week. |
|
| 3.Sometimes I just run into Caffe Acri to continue writing. |
|
4. WTF! I do not know if all the jalapeños poppers are the same, but in Marin Brewing Company they don't look special at all.
|
|
|
| 5. Yes, I love the cheese inside. But still... nothing special. |
|
6. However, the dessert was delightful!
|
|
| 7. If you like cheese, the good stuff is in Sol Food with these orgasmic "Tostones con Queso" Just add some chilly, and you are gonna love them! Trust me. |
